I found out that I had leftover ‘ruins’ of things that I was never intended to carry. Mine were ruins of things that I had never grieved or processed or ever wanted to talk about because I thought they made me look weak. Over the years somehow I have believed that I was stronger if I could just ‘move on’. I took those remains and put them in a little hidden closet labeled ‘DISAPPOINTMENTS’. I never dealt with the things in that closet. I just hid them there and pushed the door shut. One day, I went to throw one more thing in the closet, but it had become too full and had reached its capacity. Everything in the closet fell out and overtook me.
God showed me that I needed to deal with my disappointments and personal issues and not simply tuck them away in my heart. I needed to grieve the fact that circumstances are not as I had hoped they would be in certain areas in my life. I now understand that I have permission to be human and grieve those things and God has used these situations to show Himself faithful in my life and strengthened my faith in the process.
I think I had been focusing on living in a safe zone, so much so that I had not allowed myself to feel what was going on inside me. I had not focused on the needs that I have.
Well, I am at a place now where I am willing to admit I do not have it all together…
I don’t have all the answers to my life’s issues …
I don’t know what’s really going on all the time…
And sometimes… I don’t get it.
During these times, I worship and allow God to overtake me and heal my soul. I enjoy His presence. I am understanding that the problem I had been having is being courageous enough to trust God and being confident that, when I jump, HE will truly keep my foot from stumbling and not let me fall.
Selah…. Pause and think about that…
God—you’re my God! I can’t get enough of you!
I’ve worked up such hunger and thirst for God, traveling across dry and weary deserts.
So here I am in the place of worship, eyes open, drinking in your strength and glory.
In your generous love I am really living at last!
My lips brim praises like fountains.
I bless you every time I take a breath;
My arms wave like banners of praise to you.
(Psalm 63:1-4, Message Bible)